Source: Founder of Family Dynamics and Marriage and Family Therapist, Rachel Ng
As children grow up, they begin to learn to say no and may seem to rebel against their parents in everything. This is related to the child’s temperament. When faced with a child who is very persistent, parents may easily feel that the child is not obedient or mischievous, but in fact, this only reflects some of their personality traits. If a child often says “No, no,” parents need to spend more time talking to them and mutually discussing each other’s needs.
Don’t think that just because a child is 5 years old, they are not capable of discussing it with you. In fact, we often speak to children in a one-way manner; that is, we think they are just children. When do they brush their teeth? When do they wash their faces? When do they go to bed? We all think so, and we tell them so! But when a child refuses to cooperate, parents can negotiate with them about everyone’s needs, such as if they don’t like to follow a certain routine or activity program. Parents can let the child express their own thoughts. When they have room to express their thoughts, their first feeling is acceptance from their parents, rather than criticism or rejection.
If a child hears their parents say, “Why don’t you listen to me again? Why don’t you do what I say?” They will feel accused and are likely to develop a sense of resistance, leading to a vicious cycle. To avoid this, parents should listen carefully to what their child is saying and thinking. Parents may think that if they listen to their child, they will only play and not brush their teeth or sleep. This is not necessarily the case. Children who are very persistent just want to express their own opinions and want their parents to understand, which does not mean that they cannot change their minds.
As long as the child maintains a good relationship with his parents, his needs can be communicated to them, and they are willing to listen and respond by saying, for example, “If I can do it, I’m happy to cooperate with you. If I can help you, I’ll be happy to. But if I can’t, I hope you can help me finish my work quickly and give me some rest time.”
Children love their parents very much, and because of this good relationship, they are willing to cooperate with their parents’ needs and adjust their own needs. But if parents do not listen to their children, ignore their thoughts, and do not consider what they want, it will create a confrontational situation. For example, parents tell their daughter to eat her food cleanly, but she seems to deliberately make a mess. This may have already reached the edge of confrontation. Don’t enter into a cycle of confrontation.
In fact, at this stage, the mother should not criticize her daughter too much, even appreciate or find things her daughter can do and praise her, and spend more time listening to her needs, reducing or eliminating this confrontational behavior first. Then, rebuild trust with the child. When there is trust between everyone, we can listen to each other’s needs in every aspect of life. Both sides can look for new ways to satisfy each other’s needs, reduce confrontation, and gradually teach the child to consider not only their own needs but also their parents’ needs and make appropriate adjustments.
